Viral Komunications

There has been a lot of talk about the Kovid Klassik.  Maybe too much talk.  How did this come together?  Why did this come together?  What kind of idiots entered and what kind of spektakular idiots donated cash money for prizes.  As many of you know the KUBE Klassik was a money laundering scam conceived of by Michael Becker and his financial planner.  Over the years we have amassed millions and hundreds of dollars bilking people out of a seemingly insignificant $10.00 per entry, encouraging them to make numerous entries, involving their friends until it became a criminal betting enterprise.  Then we would dole out a small amount of prize money to the gullible, invest the proceeds into payday lenders, massage parlors and commercial banks and the money rolled in. But it was all predicated on 600-700 slightly post pubescent males, ostensibly “educating themselves”, showing up each March and playing a little bit of basketball for a couple hours a night.

For some reason unknown to this writer, no one showed up this year.  OK, millennial.

All that having been said and out of… well…boredom, I thought you could perhaps use some insight from the guy who has helped game the KUBE Klassik for over 20 years.  So my feelings on the field:

DON KUKLA QUARTILE

1. Larry Mc Dowell is huge force. He is a big dumb animal and as a number 1 seed, he is …unstoppable.  Do not bet against him.  He will win, he must win.  He starts off against Bill Warlop.  A 16 seed.  He has no chance or more importantly I might, or might not have knocked over the table holding his wedding cake sometime back in the 80s.
2. The Pat Becker/Jess Gegel Battle is a battle of titans. Patrick lives in KC and like Mc Dowell, is a big dumb animal but he is young and he is cagey.  Be careful. Jess Gegel comes from a deeply and profoundly troubled family and simply cannot be counted out.  She is nice, sweet, smart  and pushes wine in northern Michigan.  Don’t discount her.
3. Brent Clark….Married one of my nieces. He is…in a word…a psyho.  Happily he is a 12 seed and is a walking dead man.
4. Meghan Kukla, insider. She has a lot of children.  Don’t cross her or she will show up with them.
5. Christine Sadler is a LONG time KUBE Kontestant. She has been in the game for years and is always kompetitive and is my dark horse in the Don Kukla Brakket.
6. Todd King, hounded out of the country after a bad marriage with an actual witch. Todd will not be invited back to the United States.  There are reasons.  Let’s leave it at that. We are told he now lives in Germany.  I don’t know.
7. Jay Vance… School principal….Nebraska…let’s just say it a sad story.

JON BECKER QUARTILE

1. Colin Ring?
2. The Olstad/Hogg match up is a puzzler. Olstad was ome of those sad, sad Lutheran South/Valparaiso people.  Hogg….Hogg was my RA in Clark Hall at TCU.  He graduated undergrad in like 6 months and then it took him like 9 years at Mizzou Law School.    I like Olstad in this matchup.
3. John Weinstroer… for God’s sake watch Uncle John. He is deceptively old and lulls you into complacency and then…
4. Sandy Becker… married me. Pray for her.
5. Karen Warlop (See Bill Warlop but smarter) I am expecting her to surprise.
6. Doug Weber as a 2 seed? He is very unlucky.

MIKE BECKER QUARTILE

1. Colin Fields or @Colinfields as he is known on Twitter, does not really exist. My son Jon conjured Colin out of thin air, made up a Twitter tag and breathed life into him.  He is ghost.  He faces off against my sister.  My sister is retired, she has two disappointing children and almost a handful of grandkids… she is not going to survive this round.
2. Laura Hessel, a Kukla insider. Recently was forced to move to Colorado.  Many clients are concerned that she took the money.  She donated money along with several others just to boot me out of the tournament. Needless to say, she hold a grudge.
3. Lydia Becker… married to Jon. Mother of the brilliant, talented, beautiful, perfect, virtuoso harmonica player Julia Becker.  Lydia will crush the Warlop kid.  Why did we let 3 Warlops in?  #overwarlopped?
4. Kyle Dewees… I would like to say that Kyle shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, but he is not interesting enough. Kyle is lonely, friendless and shifty.  But he married up God bless him!  A lucky 13 seed.
5. Ellery Shaftenaar, also from a deeply troubled family. Ellery had a deeply disturbing childhood with siblings who were mean and uncaring at best.  She has soldiered on bravely and frankly is a lock in the first round.
6. Laura Bicanic drew a very unlucky 14 seed. She married well.  She will be OK, but the 14 seed after Super Tuesday primary seems harsh.
7. The Jon Bicanic Vickie Cozad matchup I believe is a Valpo Centric Battle. Jon has a very expensive wife with very elite tastes.  He needs the money.  Cozad will let him win because she is nice.
8. Mike Flavin…what kind of animal beats up on a little girl. Julia is 2 ½   She is still singing “The Wheels on the Bus” and you are going to crush her dreams!  What are you?  A BANKER?!

DAN KUKLA QUARTILE

1. Kris Eubank as the number one seed? I don’t know him.  Don’t like him.  Or her.    Kris?
2. The Banga/Daniels matchup is one of the more troubling ones in the whole field. Banga does computer, appy, clever stuff and Daniels… well he married my brothers oldest daughter and then went into business with his father in law.  He is not real bright but he is a nice kid.  More than anything, he is a gamer.  This could be a slugfest.
3. Jolene Siebarth. Lutheraner than Luther.  Works with troubled Lutheran Kids in St. Charles.  She is from Michigan.  She needs a win.
4. Rob Kukla, one of Dons 32 siblings and perhaps the pick of the litter. He will tough to beat in a 4 seed.
5. John De Penaloza. Mostly Harmless.
6. Jason Wyeth against Ella Vance pits a kid with both Arcadia konnections and closed head wound against Ella Vance. Teacher, Nebraskan, mother of 5?  If there is any 15 seed that can prevail, she is the one.

So, we onto day 1 of March Madness.  We are social distancing. Working from home.  Eating our children.  Whatever we need to survive.  I these troubled, troubled days I urge you to tune into the Kovid Klassik.  Turn off the news.  PAY NOT ATTENTION TO THE STOCK MARKET!  Let’s pull together, self quarantine and where possible drink.  This will be the first March Madness in years where I have not been three beers in by tip off.  Be nice to one another and don’t make fun of poor Jon when he going life and flipping that damn coin over 1000 times in the first round alone.

Thanks to everyone who played and who contributed!