(This post was written and photoshopped without the consent or permission of anyone.)
Greetings my Loyal, Admiring KUBITES!
As you know for the past 40 years I have been running the most fabulous, biggest, most successful NCAA Basketball Pool Ever envisioned by God or by man with the help of my sometime friend “Little” Mike Becker. Recently we have transferred the work to Little Mike’s son, Kim “Jong” Becker and my son Dan “Donald Jr.” They have done an outstanding job that everyone is talking about, some of the best people and I and others want to use all the best words to compliment them.
As you know, each year millions (literally millions, I promise you) of Americans have been playing the KUBE and we have distributed prize money based on a 1000 or so of you playing. With the help of Russian Algorithms no matter how many hundreds of millions of people around the world play, we are able to generate a spreadsheet indicating we have a small number of players and an exponentially smaller prize pool. Even with that prize pool I have been “skimming” money off for a lavish party thrown annually at KUKLA TOWER in Kirkwood which is sparsely attended and never attended by porn stars or Playboy Bunnies (FAKE NEWS PEOPLE!). Additionally, as you have noticed, even with the artificially small prize pool, I prefer it VERY much if a family member of mine wins a portion of it, I mean, why not? My family is better, smarter, smarterer than yours and we all went to the best schools and have very big buttons, and ours work!
Last year was very upsetting:
Joel Tripp, Marry Allsop, Cooper Duggan? Who are or were these people? Not family members! I don’t know who these people are. THEY ARE FIRED. None of them attended the
Party and this Tripp Kid…Joel?… seems like a National Anthem Kneeler for sure. FIRED!
I can assure you that no one not named KUKLA will be in the top 10 this year. That having been said I invite you all to:
1. Play the KUBE yourself. Play it often. Play it hard. Set personal goals for yourself to enter 10 times. Your life is meaningless anyway and this might offer a small distraction by witness the greatness that is the KUBE.
2. Encourage your friends to play. Encourage them by threatening them if they don’t. Troll them, call them names in Social media. Question their patriotism, their masculinity if men, their morals if they are woman and generally be a childish bully. Believe me…it works.
3. Kids… you should be playing the KUBE! Don’t hesitate to steal your parents credit card or PayPal account. Get it done.
4. We need a lot more international players. The KUBE has been getting lousy deals with you expatriates who really are not Americans anyway. If you don’t play the KUBE we will either nuke you, threaten to nuke you or apply tariffs as soon as someone explains to me what a tariff is.
Our goal this year is 22 million entries. If we can reach that there will be a prize pool of almost ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS TO BE DIVIDED UP AMONG THE WINNING KUKLAS. Let’s do this people. Make the KUBE GREAT AGAIN.
Remember the rules:
1. Never give Michael Becker cash for your entry
2. All entries must be received by first tip off on Thursday.
3. Don’t upset me. I have a very big button!