What a great tournament we had going until my Lutheran heritage kicked in
So this is March Madness
I hope you have fun
Another year over
Before the Final Four has begun
—
And so this is March Madness. Pops tried to warn me. Gave me the talk and all that but nothing can prepare you for your first time.
My relationship with this tournament started hot and heavy. It was love at first sight. Feeling good and feeling right.
But that opening Thursday seems like a distant dream now. Like an all-inclusive honeymoon cruise where the upsets are unlimited and every game ends with a buzzer beater.
Friday rolled around and it was back to the real world. The daily grind of chalk set in all too quickly.
You can call off the search party, Mr. Becker. I’m here. I’m fine. A little milk drunk from downing my sorrows, but fine.
Remember this? Thank you, I’ll have another. Don’t tell me that ship has sailed.
When Dad was kicked off the sports desk at work and subsequently lost blogging privileges for the KUBE, I felt somewhat obligated to pick up the slack. But life as a 7-month-old is rough. There’s only so many hours in the day, you know. How’s a little man supposed to get 15 hours of sleep when there’s a mountain of toys to work through and two parents back home who demand my full attention as soon as they walk through the door?
Then the basketball blue bloods go and suck all the fun out of my first NCAA Tournament. So sue me, Mike, if I don’t feel like spending what little tummy time I get chronicling the utter destruction of my bracket.
Oh that opening Thursday. So full of wonder. So full of hope.
Georgia State’s coach wasn’t the only one floored by his team’s win
There was UAB sweeping away everyone’s favorite dark horse like a cyclone out of the south. It was only moments later that Georgia State made us all fall out of our chairs with that deep 3 at the buzzer. UCLA just laughed at everyone saying they shouldn’t be in the tournament and gave those Southern Methodists a fresh hot sports take of their own. Even THE Hated Ohio State gave Shaka a shocker in their unfamiliar role as underdog.
But then those evil Jayhawks tipped off our first Friday and boy did the chalk rock. Down went mommy’s beloved NMSU Aggies. Down went everyone’s beloved Crusaders – a trendy upset pick even outside the friendly Lutheran confines of the KUBE where this Homer pick was mandatory (roll that ’98 highlight package one more time, CBS, it’s in the contract). Down went every single 12-seed for the first time since we had a white [Republican, American, competent] president.
Stop shuddering. 2007 wasn’t that long ago. It just seems that way because of the reference.
Back to barackets. I mean brackets. Dangit ESPN!
It’s been HOW long!?
Sure Wichita State gave us the not-so-shocker of an upset as Kansas ironically lost in the year of rock chalk. Izzo and his boys made their annual THIS! IS! SPARTA! impression with yet another overachieving March through the madness.
Yawn. I think I need another nap. Anything my dad can pick really isn’t all that interesting or surprising. He even had the NC State “upset” over vastly overrated Villanova before scratching it out last second #whosthebabynow.
The Sweet 16 set up so perfectly. I just needed to hit somewhere – anywhere – amongst my many Elite 8 longshots.
Wichita State? No luck against the Irish.
Xavier? About gave pops a heart attack but eventually proved to be just another lousy team from Ohio.
UCLA? My chance at the KUBE Top 10 will SEE YOU LAter.
Spartans! What is your profession!? Kill Duke! Kill Duke! Kill Duke!
At least my champion pick Louisville made it through before MSU went all 300 on them. But if Xavier-Zona was a near heart attack for dad, that one may have caused a legitimate stroke. I think he loses a year off his life every time a Spartan attempts a free throw.
In the end, all we are left with is a blue blood bath (great, bath time was my favorite time of the day but Duke just ruined that, too). All signs point to the dreaded Kentucky-Duke final we all saw coming but never felt dirty enough to pick. (Yes, I admit to putting Puke in my Final Four but that was just to make pops squirm a bit – even I threw up in my mouth a bit #neverhappens).
That being said, there are way too many perfect Final Fours showing up in the KUBE Standings. Sure, picking three 1’s + Izzo fits right in with the whole “Stupid People Doing Stupid Things” bit, but I guess we need to add “With Zero Imagination Whatsoever” to the end of that slogan. Maybe a hearty “Hate Fun and Root for Evil (The blue Devil Himself)” would do.
Sound familiar?
I’m totally on board with this “I hate Christian Laettner” movement. Seems like this whole mess of a tournament is probably his fault. Him and that rat-faced coach of his must be behind this.
It’s all right there in the ESPN 30-for-30 five points of hate: privilege, white, bully, greatness and looks.
Wow, I hate myself.
And so merry March Madness
And happy Final Four
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without Okafor